How I embarrassed my wife buying a bed

Photo: KellyB.

Sunday, the wife, child and I went mattress shopping. The first store we went to was SUPER expensive and had hardly anything in our price range but we didn't say anything, we let the mattress salesman walk us around the store testing beds, one more expensive than the next. He asked about what we were looking for and why we were buying a new bed. I explained that we had inherited a sleep number bed and have been using it for a year but hate it!

We thought it would be great, my wife's parents paid I think $5000 for it a few years back, it was still in good shape so we jumped at the chance to get it when we found out they were looking to get a new one. Well, it really sucks. Its a split king and adjustable and we thought it would be good for my snoring but it wasn't, late last year I had a sleep study and it wasn't just snoring, it was terrible sleep apnea which is now better with use of a C-Pap machine. Also being a split king means it has a gap between the two mattresses that like to suck you in in the middle of the night. It is a terrible bed for youthful married people trying to have babies and it just is not comfortable.

So anyways I begin explaining the situation with the bed, while wife is giving me the death stare thinking I am going to say something embarrassing about "married life" (code for sex) which I was never planning to. After getting laughed out of the store after we told them our budget we went to the car and discussed the experience, she mentioned that she thought I would say something embarrassing and I was a little offended, explaining I had no intention of mentioning "married life" situations with our current bed.

Fast forward to the third store, the one we actually got sold a bed. While my wife was chasing my daughter around the store and out of earshot  the salesman mentions to me that we should get the upgraded steel frame, he had broken one doing "you know what" and I am a big guy like him so he highly recommends the stronger frame. I laugh at this, its not entirely appropriate to talk to customers about this stuff but its funny and I shrug it off.

After the song and dance routine is over and we get the hard sell, multiple offers down, the guy seems ready to call it quits on us, we decide to pull the trigger, we feel we are getting a deal and are happy with the bed choice. During the "paperwork phase" where we wrap things up he asks us if our daughter has any siblings. This is it! The guy has just thrown a fastball right over the plate! Without a thought about embarrassing my wife, of how inappropriate it was, of how uncomfortable sleeping on the couch is, I swung for the fences! "Nope, we want one though, LET'S SEE HOW GOOD THIS MATTRESS IS!" My wife turned beet red, she was so embarrassed, she was pissed! How could I say that! It wasn't just in front of the one salesman either, there was another salesman with another couple right there too! GOD I AM SOOOOO STUPID!!!!! I did appreciate the salesman was willing to play ball though, he came back with," Don't worry, she's gonna have all sorts of brothers and sisters with a bed this nice!" I don't know what it is but if I see an opportunity for a joke, I have to take it, and I may be sleeping in the old bed (worse than the couch)

for a while longer because of it.